As of today it’s been two years since I moved out to LA.
A lot has changed for me – personally, professionally, emotionally. Here’s a raw and honest update:
Personally, I’m on my own now. I’ve got a cute little studio in Encino (see map) that I share with Brody. It’s not much, but it’s my 425 sq. ft. palace. It has a fireplace for all these cold Californian nights, plenty of kitchen counter space for the cooking I fail at, and a strange outdoor closet on the balcony for all the things I keep hauling around. (It’s never below 40° here, so I guess that’s a great storage option for anything but candles.) Sometimes the place is a mess, but it’s all mine.
Having my own space means I’m answering to no one (except Brody, of course, who gets irritated when I come home late), so I find myself super busy. I’ve taken on extra freelance work, some tutoring, and I’ve made a ton of beautiful, amazing friends that I’m out adventuring with all the time. I hike, visit museums, explore beaches, go to art events and space lectures, watch heartbreakingly beautiful sunsets, and eat a lot of tacos in between hard workouts. I haven’t had time to play video games in months. Mostly this is pleasant, but I occasionally overbook myself to exhaustion. It’s a learning curve, and I’m working on finding a balance between go, go, go and taking care of myself. There ain’t no rest for the wicked, but I’ve never wanted to be villainous.
Professionally, I’m leaving Instantly/SSI at the end of March to start a new design job just a few miles from home. After the acquisition of Instantly by SSI – a much bigger and more traditional company – I’ve found that the culture change isn’t what I’m after and the workload isn’t heavy enough to keep me on my feet. And as we all know, Makers Gonna Make.
My time with Instantly allowed me to grow a great deal, and expand my skill set in a wonderful, supportive and collaborative environment. However, I’m really excited for the opportunity to join a new, larger in-house creative team with hopes of expanded collaboration and even more growth. I hit the ground running on April 4.
Emotionally, this has all been a roller-coaster. 2015 was a difficult year. My father suffered a massive brain injury last February, and we almost lost him. He is still in recovery. I started a new job in March. I had a bad cancer scare in September, complete with surgery. I moved out on my own in October. Through it all my husband moved across the country and my marriage fell apart. I stopped drinking for 6 months. I hit the gym. I neglected the blog.
To say I’m seeing a therapist seems like an understatement. I mean, come on, everyone in LA is seeing a therapist. But really, guys – I’m seeing a therapist and doing my best to work through it all. Those close to me know what a struggle it’s been, and how hard I’ve been working to make sure I come out of it all as the best version of myself.
It’s hard to find and admit fault in yourself, and even harder to act on that discovery. But that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Nobody’s perfect, but striving to be a person you love is the great life goal. That, and having super rad adventures with excellent people that lead to lasting memories. Because in the end, we’re nothing but sacks of experiences and I want mine to be beautiful.
The big question I get is, “Are you coming home?” After a year like that, packing it in and heading back to the warm arms of my Wisconsinite family and friends looks really comforting, I can’t lie. I spent the midnight hours of Christmas eve this year curled up in front of the tree at my parents’ house in an oversized sweater, drowning in mascara on my brother’s shoulder, despairing about how alone I was going to be out here. (We’re all allowed one complete cave-in, right?) I pulled myself together and realized I’m definitely not alone – I have an incredible support system of friends out here, and the people I love in WI are just a phone call, hangout or plane ride away. Despite having a rough go of it, I feel more loved and supported than I have in my entire life. Loneliness is perspective, and I’m anything but.
So to answer that burning question: No. Not now. There’s too much to see and do out here. Too much I haven’t explored with these amazing people in this strange place I’ve grown to love. Will I stay forever, or will the colorful siren song of the Wisconsin autumn call out to me? Could I make California a home, so far away from the family that buoys me? Only time will tell. It will be really tough to leave if I ever do.
Until then, I’ll keep hanging on, because life is crazy and hard, but oh so beautiful.